AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..... is what I did after I got on the scale this morning followed by a few words I'll omit from the post followed by all out bawling. I had prepared myself to basque in weight loss glory. Today marked 4 weeks that I had been doing my butt kicking Firm workouts 5 times a week, and my pants did seem to be a little looser. I knew I wasn't shedding the weight like I was when I was playing Biggest Loser spring '08, but I will get there in a moment. On the scale I stepped and I had........ GAINED A POUND!!!! What the hell???? How could this be??? I completely fell apart.

Part of me wonders if my inability to cope with this found pound has to do with the postpartum "depression" I have suffered after this pregnancy which is a first for me. I think they misnamed the condition and it's true name should be postpartum mental disorder because that seems to be a more accurate description to me. I actually got so upset that I called the doctor's office because I was convinced that I must be having some sort of medical problem for this to have happened to me. I have been mindful of my food choices, nursing a baby round the clock, chasing around a 2 year old, working out, and I gained a pound. Four weeks of this and not only had I not lost any weight but I had actually gained it!! A nurse/lactation consult I have got to know pretty well did her best to console and convince me that nothing was "medically" wrong with me. She also reminded me that I just gave birth 9 weeks ago. She even referred me to a book that I ended up having already but haven't read in a long time because she felt the humor/situation was applicable to me and it might help.

I am quoting a passage from Vicki Iovine's "Girlfriends Guide to Surviving the first year of motherhood" she asked me to read. "Breast feeding does not give everyone their figure back...... Nature has designed mothers to store extra fuel for those days their men didn't bag a boar. As long as you are the sole provider of nutrition for your baby, nature is going to do her best to keep those stores in place. I don't know how she does it,...... but those extra pounds are nearly impossible to budge while you are breastfeeding." (for some people)

Here is the part I need my own real live "girlfriends" to help me keep in perspective. It's gonna be hard, but with your help, and God willing, I can do it!

The passage continues....."Whatever you do, don't let this weight thing depress you...Out of the big story that is your life, this short chapter of mothering an infant is a pretty quick read. The inconveniences and sacrifices you make now will look like pretty small potatoes when you look back on them. Try to relax and enjoy this time and know that once it's over it's over. Thin arms are available whenever you want them, and they're not all they're cracked up to be anyway because children like softness in their hugs."

IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME.....After reading the above paragraph, especially the sentence in bold, the sadness and regret set in. What a fool I had been. There had been days I was so exhausted I couldn't see straight, and I worked out instead of resting because I didn't want to be an "excuse maker"! I could have played with my little Davin instead of sitting him if front of Nick Jr. I could have snuggled on the couch a little longer with my sweet Claire, but I didn't. I went in the bedroom and made myself work out. I go back to work in 2 days, and there is no way to get all that time back. It's over, and I was a fool.

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF ONCE AGAIN: All of my pregnancies were very different in several ways. With Ethan's I truly ate for two so let's not go there. I gained 60lbs, but I lost most of it eventually. With Davin I did'nt exercise, I had high blood pressure much sooner than I did with Ethan, and I wasn't as mindful of my food choices as I should have been. With Claire, I worked out the entire pregnancy, was much more mindful of my food choices, moved, swam daily, chased a 2 year old all over Gods green earth, and guess what? I gained 35lbs both times. That weight gain just seems to be genetically pre-determined for me, and I know other mothers who have had similar stories. As far as nursing goes I already should have already accepted that I don't lose weight while I am nursing based on previous history. I am not one of those lucky people that sheds pounds while nursing. I am lucky in that as soon as I stop nursing, I drop 5lbs the first week with no effort.

IF I KNOW ALL OF THIS WHY DO I CARE????I think a lot of it this time has to do with the fact that after the biggest loser game I played (which I did not win) was over, I kept going. I got down to a 128lb size 4, and I loved it!! I feel gigantic now when I got used to looking at that in the mirror. It was fun to shop for the first time in 7 years, and I actually felt good about my body. The funny thing is I don't weigh much more now than I weighed when I got pregnant with Davin. Yet I still asked myself how Doug could possibly find me attractive when I am grossed out by myself. I look like I weigh 200lbs in the pictures I look at of me with the kids right now. II don't know why, but he claims he still finds me very attractive, and he loves me whether I wear a 4 or a 14, and I have been both!

SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS RAMBLING??? Well the point is I need my friends and family to help me keep proper perspective on things, and I find writing about my feelings to be very therapeutic. It is important that I stay active, and eat well to be healthy, but I shouldn't be consumed with my weight at this point. Help me to remember to rest and enjoy my sweet baby because once this infant stage is "over, it's over." It really is over for me this time since Claire is my last baby, and I should cherish every moment of this! I am going to nurse my baby because that is what is best for her, and when she doesn't need to nurse any longer all those pants will be waiting for me in my closet. Besides, who do I feel like I need to impress anyway. I have the rest of my life to get "skinny"again so what's the rush? That is what I am asking my wonderful friends to help this postpartum mental disorder mom remember.